Respect.

You all know how I feel about abstinence. But we live in a world where it's a joke to many and many young women find themselves pregnant with an absent father to help raise the child. By the grace of God, I was adopted by two wonderful Christian parents, but that isn't the case for every unplanned pregnancy. Many young mothers are scared and with the misconception that adoption is "giving my baby to strangers," (a huge irritating statement to me) or perhaps just wanting to raise the child themselves, they embark on the journey of single parenting. I've always had a heart for young mothers trying to do it alone, but never in my life did I quite feel heartache for them as I do now; I didn’t fully understand all that it entails.

My husband and I are very blessed by my not having to go back to work for a while so I can stay home with Jonathan AND continue my education online; employment in this area is easy to find. Having a husband who is able to work, and full-time/over-time at that, is a huge blessing as well – not to mention that fact that he loves his job and when he is home, I get a break and he is more than willing to take over with our baby. There's always food on the table, our bills are all paid; we live comfortably. But what if I didn't have Mark? Could I do this? Sure, but with great, great sacrifices; painful sacrifices. And I don’t know if I would be strong enough to give up my son to a family that, while I would have gotten to know through the duration of the pregnancy, would raise him in my place even if it meant a better life for him.

I’ve been that person, though, the person who sees a young mother without a ring on her finger trying to fumble through the grocery store caring a baby with dirty clothes who won’t stop crying. I’ve seen her swipe her EBT card and run out of money. And I’ve, sadly, been that person to criticize her quietly in my mind. “You should have waited, girl…” And, sadly, this is the mentality of a lot of Christians as well, some criticisms being much more harsh and vocal. This is horrible.

Singles moms are single moms for a billion reasons. Each young woman has a story. And yes, while I do believe we need to carry on a stronger message of abstinence to overpower the “it’s just sex” message of today, it’s not all about the baby which I too often think I and other Christians tend to just throw out in the wind instantly every time we see a mom raising kids alone. First and foremost, sex in its purest and intended form, is to be a bonding of husband and wife, one that cannot be done with anyone else. Secondly, it is for, yes, making babies. But I think when we jump the gun and start harshly criticizing people who jump the gun on sex, and again, I’ve done the criticizing countless times, we miss the beauty of the Gospel in what exactly sex is, being something greater than the physical act. And we miss the opportunity to help train these women to be strong, confident young ladies who maybe need direction that we can offer. And when we focus so much on bashing single moms, we miss the boat on all the not-yet-single-moms that we can be a witness to in protecting them from this hard life and the lives of their future children. If we aren’t willing to get our hands dirty for Christ and simply dwell in our bubble, how are we to be the light of His good news?! I need so much practice with this.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry to all the young parents that I have been so quick to create an opinion about, instead of reaching out a helping hand. I’m sorry for not being there for you, if I wasn’t, in supporting you to stay pure for your husband/wife and yourself. I’m sorry for ignoring the fact that you are working two jobs and have given up your social life with the intent of honestly giving your child the best life possible at the expense of everything you love. And I want you to know that now more than ever, I respect you. I don’t wish single parenting upon anyone, but for those who are trying to make right the mistakes/situations that got them to that point, I have so much respect for you and pray that God gives you the strength to do what’s best for your child. And, if He wills, an honest young man to one day be a supporter and leader in both your lives. Thank you for doing what all you can for your child – that is what motherhood is all about.

Philippians and Trace Adkins.

34 weeks. That’s how long it’s been since I started carrying this precious life inside of me and about 24 weeks since I realized it. It’s amazing how fast Jonathan (long before we’d known the gender or if there was more than one person in there) became a part of our life, our future – everything. At one point during my pregnancy, I thought I was having a miscarriage and I remember my world crashing down in my mind right there at work. Turns out, praise God, that wasn’t the case, but even so early on in my pregnancy, it was hard to imagine the life just a couple months before when it was just Mark and me. No baby. Just the two of us. Now, I can’t imagine anything different than the three of us and the “life” before seems almost boring. I know there will be days when I miss not having the responsibility of caring for a child, but overall, even before our little man has arrived, I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

But I did have a moment last night.

34 weeks into my pregnancy and I’m finding myself incredibly uncomfortable. My ribs, though they don’t ache as badly as they used to since Jonathan had moved downward, are sore. I haven’t slept through the night in almost three months due to heartburn (horrible, horrible stomach acid), every-hour-on-the-hour bathroom runs, weird dreams where I wake up completely awake at, say, 3 am, a period of time where my allergies and asthma woke me up gasping for air with a baby crowding my lungs…and now, nausea. Random, no-way-out nausea. I know pregnancy is no walk in the park and like everyone says, “When it’s over, it will all be worth it!” but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel awful this last home stretch. (Oh, and did I mention how tired I am all the time? No? Okay. Well I am.)

Regardless, I’m still working. I’m working at a movie theater because it’s easy and I can sit down a lot more some other jobs while all the films are running. Is it the best job in the world? No. Do I come home dreaming of the day when I’m a medical assistant, what I’m going to school for? Oh yes. But while Mark works and financially we are doing  okay, it’s a little extra cash for us and something for me to do instead of sit at home. But sometimes it’s a lot and last night was one of those nights.

After being on my feet most of the 8 hour shift, I found myself exhausted. All of a sudden, when I walked through the door to our house, I was moody. My back was sore, I had to pee again (which this far into pregnancy causes pain if I don’t do it ASAP), my knees ached – I just felt like crap. And if any of you know my husband, he’s a sweet guy who likes to be funny…and I just wasn’t up for it. “I want this baby out!” I said falling onto the living-room chair. Mumbling about a few other aches and pains, he took me up in his arms, wrapped me in a hug (which I couldn’t get close enough to him ‘cuz of my belly, of course, which was cute) and he started singing the lyrics to “You’re Gunna Miss This” by Trace Adkins. I’m not a country music fan, but I sort of fell in love with Mark all over again with this sweet moment. Swaying me slowly to calm me down with my face nuzzled into the crease of his neck, he sang..

You're gonna miss this

You're gonna want this back

You're gonna wish these days

Hadn't gone by so fast…

When he was done, I calmed down a little bit and we headed into the kitchen so he could make his work for lunch the next day and I could eat something. Anything.  But due to my crazy mood swings (which hadn’t really haunted me for a while; guess it was due) it wasn’t long before his sentimental gesture wore off me and I was back in the saddle of being a brat. We started talking about groceries aaaaand after a few “Mark” comments about things I wanted to buy I was so irritated with him and what he said (which there really was nothing wrong with it) that I finally just left and got ready for bed. He was, in my mind, being completely oblivious to my “condition” and I wasn’t going to tolerate it. (What a princess, I know. Normally, I’m not like this!) Shouldn’t he lay off the matter-of-factness for once and just pity me, his poor, very pregnant wife?!

It was a quiet half hour or so while I washed my face, brushed my teeth, etc. with the doors locked to the bathroom just to be alone. He sat on the side of our bed playing Words With Friends on his iPod waiting for me to finish. I did and we quietly switched places. Ugh, I thought crawling into bed, Why does everything always have to go his way? Why can’t he just listen to me and not make such a big deal out of things for once? I said to myself whining about “woe is me” and totally ignoring the fact that I talk SO much on a regular basis, there’s no way humanly possible that he can stand it except for the fact that God created him to. Ha! But anyways, feeling sorry for myself, I beached-whale-rolled over onto my side and stared at the wall. When Mark came in…it was still silent. 

“I’m sorry,” he said. Leaning over to cradle me in his arms again, he went on to explain how he shouldn’t have been so insensitive to how badly I was feeling and for getting upset with me for being in such a bad mood. I took a deep breath, apologized for being so moody and rude and… that was it. I lost it. Wrapped up in his arms again, I just broke down. I explained to him about how uncomfortable I felt and how foreign my body felt to me with all its changes , how I just wanted to finally hold Jonathan in my arms, how the thought of delivering a baby scared me, how I wish I could have spent time with my Mom at least somewhere along this journey (my parents live out in California so that just wasn’t going to happen) and how  sometimes, being involved with my first biological family experience of my own…was confusing. Not to mention that fact that I felt completely unprepared to raise a baby, finish school, etc. 

As my tears saturated his shoulder and he pulled me closer, he reminded me that we aren’t in this alone. Sure, we’ve only been married *almost*  a year and have so much still to learn, but God has never failed us. Mark reminded me of how the Lord bringing Jonathan into our life was a blessing and everything was going to be okay, whatever the Lord’s will was. We have wonderful support from friends and family and the love of the awesome God we serve – whom/what shall I fear? 

I woke up later that night with the routine uncomfortable symptoms and when I opened my eyes, I saw him fast asleep as his arm was beneath my head. The desk lamp was still on and I could tell that he was exhausted from such a long day before, but he had still stayed up with me a good half hour just listen to me cry and now, he was deeply asleep, beautiful relaxed. I don’t deserve you, I thought, looking at him peacefully out. But I don’t deserve the love of Christ either. 

My son and my husband are gifts to me from a loving God whom I daily doubt when trying to take circumstances into my own hands. If I could control my life, it would be nothing but chaos of trying to please myself. But I guess that’s what I’m learning in the very beginning stages of marriage and motherhood: I’m on this earth to serve others out of gratitude to my God, not myself. Because of sin in the world, there are hardships and things don’t go my way. But because of my awesome God, there’s always a way to overcome, and that way is through Him. I’m incredibly anxious to meet my son, but like Mark always reminds me,

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;  and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians  4:6-7

So, take your time, little man. I’ll see ya’ when I see ya’. You just keep on getting’ healthy.

I love you.

Takin' it off and some updates.

It's time. I made it about 6 months wearing my wedding ring and yesterday I made the painful (comically and seriously...it was tight!) decision to put away my beautiful wedding rain set until Jonathan arrives and my fingers (hopefully) go down in swelling shortly after. Though beautiful, the set once was a little too lose and now has started to make my finger so raw like a sore under a band-aid creating burns and cracks and the outter parts exposed on the sides of my ring have been itching horribly. I wanted so badly to hold onto it but Mark convinced me to just put it away and relieve myself from the annoying pain. After failed attempts to find something cheap and delicate to replace it (and yes, I'm talking about Walmart specials, people - $10 bucks or less!) and being too nervous to place it on a necklace (for fear it might snag, fall, and I'll lose it forever) looks like my ring finger will be flying solo on the blinged-out list for a little while. I'm still going to be lookin' for a cheap ring in the meantime though because I... I can't stand having a naked ring finger.

 

In other news, we are down to about thirteen weeks! That means the ten week countdown is right around the corner! This time last year I was anticipating a wedding...and now...a baby. It's amazing how fast these past few months have gone by and I know once Jonathan gets here it will seem even faster as he grows. He's not developing quietly though!

Every day I feel him move more and more. It's gotten to the point now where I can actually look down at my belly (wearing a shirt too - it doesn't ruin the view) and see him kick and sort of swim around. It's not how it used to be where'd I'd have to lay real still and prod away at him like a fascinated child poking a jellyfish on the beach. Jonathan now moves around as he pleases, tickling my ribs and gliding himself around my stomach which feels...crazy. Mark's been able to feel him move much more now too and that is probably the best part because it's in those moments that I feel like all three of us are connected as a family experiencing each other together. I love moments like those and can't wait to share in more!

OH! I almost forgot. We were given our crib and changing table last week by a family from Mark's home church a couple hours from here. Currently, the set is at his parents' place so soon enough we will be hauling it here and setting up the baby room. It's so antique and beautiful with it's simplicity --- I can't wait!

OH! Another thing - we are moved in! And it is so nice to have our own little home. I can only imagine the wonderful memories we will have here even in just a year. 

As far as my health goes, things are well for the most part. Except for the weight gain. It's been a bit frustrating to say the least, but at the same time, I'm learning a lot about what my body was designed to do and how beautifully it is working to take care of my son so I'm trying to appreciate this "pleasantly plump me" (while still looking forward to having the energy to do exhilarating exercise postpartum down the road). Besides the weight gain, I'm also running low on iron so I've been extremely tired and light headed lately. Trying to pump the spinach into my system and hoping that helps. Glad to know what's wrong with me though. At the end of the day, the myriad of symptoms only mean one thing: I'm sustaining a little one's life and these are such small prices to pay!

(#1) Dear Jonathan...

Dear Jonathan,

I can't wait to meet you. I must admit, when your daddy and I first found out that we were going to have a baby, we were a bit scared. But as you'll learn, the Lord always provides a way for His plans to work out. I'm currently 23 weeks pregnant and as the months quickly go by and we get closer to holding you in our arms, I'm getting a little bit anxious. The fear is dwindling and the joy is growing. 

In fact, this very moment I'm sitting at a computer desk at school just waiting to pass the time. I've only got about four and a half hours before my next class and I can feel you kicking all over the place inside my ever-so-rounded belly. I'll be honest, driving an hour to school, sometimes for 12 hour days that only have two classes - sometimes I've gotten discouraged. It gets old, I get frustrated and sometimes I just want to give up. But because of your wonderful daddy and now you, I've got more and more reason to keep on truckin'. I've got one more reason with you on the way to finish school and work hard to help our little family in these first few years.

And that's just it. It's going to be hard these first few years. In advance, please forgive your father and me for when we get stressed out over the next while as you grow up. Chances are, we won't have a lot of money and it will take a bit of work to stay on our feet providing everything we need for the three of us, but God is good! He know that we are still learning too and He'll guide us every step of the way just as he did with our own parents. He has incredibly provided everything we've needed thus far (you wouldn't believe the support from friends and family we've had in preparation for you!) and we have no doubt that He'll continue to do the same as time goes on. Something you'll learn over time is that we can't depend on ourselves; we're only human and we make mistakes all the time! It's a hard lessen for me especially, but your dad has been so wonderful in helping me strive to trust the Lord in everything. With our awesome God's help, we will teach you how to serve and trust him in all things. I can't wait!

Jonathan, we love you so much. We pray for you daily (and try to play with you every night before we go to bed - sorry for all the poking in there, buddy, we can't help it!) and have dedicated you to the Lord before we even knew you were a boy. We will do our best to train you as a child of God, though we will fail at times, and pray that you grow up to be a strong man of faith with a big heart serving an even bigger King. I wish so much to kiss your cheeks and cuddle you so close to my heart, but I know I must be patient. I'll have so much time to do soon enough; all in God's time.

We can't wait to meet you, little man.

In Christ - your parents,
Mommy and Daddy

Interior design, anyone?

Well, we found a house to rent (photos up in month) and it has two bedrooms! It's a cute little white house which will be perfectly cozy with our own little open yards and everything. I'm sort of in love with it and can't wait to let my creative juices flow with the decor, but that's another adventure (of budgeting, for starters). In the meantime, I can day dream. I did buy some products at Hobby Lobby this afternoon for Jonathan's room and now I just need the frames ....and the wall to hang them. But here's the idea!

Threw this together so at least know what I want to look for and work towards. Pretty simple and clean!

Now, the house that we will be renting has one big noticeable problem: an incredibly hideous living room carpet. Bright green. It looks like someone when hunting and found a glow-in-the-dark Sasquatch, killed it and spread it across our living-room. But! With a little imagination, here's something I came up with for that and how to deal with it. Our room won't look exactly the same, but we have similar items already to get the same idea while the rest is left to thrifty-cheap-search-determination.





I guess you could say I'm a dreamer. And super excited to set up our little home. ♥

Daddy meets Jonathan!

Short update!

Well, after a few attempts to get my husband, Mark, to feel Jonathan kick and perhaps after a few little sensations days ago (but not sure), last night at around 2 am it was official. I tried tracing around my tummy to get Jonathan to move and sure enough, this time it worked for both Mark and I to feel our son! He was kicking and wiggling quite strongly and it wasn't too long after Mark placed his hand on my baby bump that a small smile crept across his face. Jonathan had officially made his presence known with a handful of strong kicks and it warmed my heart. Our little family was coming together even closer. ☺

I don't really have a lot to say today, except for the fact that I'm am constantly blown away by the providence of the Lord. I'm enjoying this ride. ☺